| Date: | 2005-08-08 14:36 |
| Subject: | I Am Batman |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  hot |
Guess what everyone? I'm Batman! I was thinking the other day about how hot Batman is, and seeing how I'm really hot too I just had to become Batman. I mean, I've been Batman all along... but really... how could I not have been considering how hot I am. It just took me a while to realize this.
Rodbad and G-bot won an auction to find out my identity. I like auctions. You can bid on stuff... and sometimes you can win. It's like a real life ebay! When the auction was over, I told everyone that I am Batman, but for some reason people seemed mad at me. The auctioneer even called me a jerkface. Me... Batman... a jerkface?! And I don't get it... why do people bid on an auction? I just give out the prize at the end right? Is it like a game? I like musical chairs.
Now if only I knew who Batwoman was...
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Eventually I was coerced into spending a few hours in social intercourse. Their game of strip monopoly, their strange house rules. I was surprised to have people who knew about my little interactions actually actively seeking me out for it, but pleasantly so.
I think I made out with a million people today. All of them initiated the making out, and only two of them had no tongue. I crashed through some windows (which, to my joy, has fixed /ALL/ of my problems, so I'm going to crack the hood of my T-Bird ASAP and try to rice it up with blinging hardware), got some hardcore speeding done, and spent a ridiculous quanitity of time standing in the laundromat letting my pants alternately spin and tumble dry incessantly. It was a very strange feeling. Overall, I'd say the experiment was a success, except for when Agnes showed up at my door, and I couldn't even say "get lost!" because Midge was inactively painting her frame onto my door. She left some Spetnaz in my beard, though, and I got to see her watering plants, and that took almost all night. I'll mist them too, Agnes! I'll see them grow in the summer! Or before that, barring any Spring frosts!
Anyway, there's lots more I have to say right now. I'm back with that hoopy frood I was banging a while ago.
Tigger, was the Whitecastle Man of Astute Baffooness executed as we'd discussed? Or am I applying for that guillotine after all? *wink*
This special episode from my life brought to you by a special guest forcer of teens...
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I wish I could get my hands on the worlds biggest megaphone. You know what they say: If you have a problem that words aren't solving, you're not speaking loudly enough. Most problems have a tendency to go away if you explain that your feelings are being hurt and that the problem isn't nice.
I think the world would be a way happier place if we all had the ability to really show our love to one person or thing per year.
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| Date: | 2004-11-29 00:56 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | crappy music. | | Music: | Arrogant Worms - A Night In Dildo |
I got some crappy music today. I'm in that crappy music kind of mood. Creed and Nickelback. Ah, yeah. I spent most of my time today listening to some hardcore Raffi, though. Mostly "Banana Phone" on repeat. A song that replaces lyrics with awesomeness, at least if you listen from a monkey's point of view. Personally, I think "It grows in bunches, I've got my hunches" is an ambiguous lyric under the best of circumstances, but however you want to interpret it with your sick, sick minds is fine by me. I also have a huge new respect for the Arrogant Worms.
Get married down in Kilbride
Have a party in Hate Bay
Or have some screech in Fogo and forget about the day
From Woody's Point to Come-by-Chance to good old Fairyland
Come take a look at Gander, Blackhead's mighty grand
Don't let their names deceive you
Newfoundland's mighty fine
So spend a night in Dildo if you think you've got the time
Massive dance-fest tomorrow. The adrenalin is running down. I like the feel of lying on a bed of nails this time of year, just before the dancing starts. It's an interesting dynamic, with me just about ready to get impaled but not quite doing so because of the weight distribution. Makes things fun.
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| Date: | 2004-08-28 20:12 |
| Subject: | The End of the Mission |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  less deadly | | Music: | Propellerchoppers - Removing Heads |
I finished the mission with an evaluation of pretty deadly, and no invitation to return. I was a little put off until I realized that it was without a doubt the wrong mission for me, and the fact that I'd decided that less than a month into the assignment would almost certainly have reflected in the quality of my killings. I had a bunch of people I was going to kill this term, but maybe the less people killed the better. It wasn't a bad killing spree, but the last month and a half almost killed me, so I don't necessarily have too many fond memories of killing either.
On the other hand, I now have four gigantic bags full of eyeballs to haul to UW and/or sell to people. Also, to make myself feel better, I went and bought a prince right after I left work. It turned out to be the smartest move I'd made in a good long while as princes make excellent slaves one you beat the independance out of them. I think John will enjoy watching me have him do my bidding next term. It's like my last slave, but with a hyper-agile prince who can run up walls and reverse time, in place of the resurrected undead vampire I enslaved last time.
Maybe I'll catch some more slaves later. Mmmm....slaves. Sounds almost appetizing.
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| Date: | 2004-08-09 22:10 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
| Music: | Spin Cycle - Fifty Cents a Load |
My hangovers are coming more often, and they're getting worse. I know what's causing them, too: drinking. David left on rehab this week, so I'm drinking for him this week, in addition to still drinking for everyone else. I got four or five new bottles of booze today, piling on top of the ten or eleven bottles I already had to drink. The futility is neverending. This had been a fun job, but right around the time that everyone started me drinking, a project that I can't help but see as ultimately worthless, and I stopped being able to remember more than five minutes of the day gone by, it started being a job that made me crave the release of a weekend, and dread the experience of sobering up in the morning. Thank God it's only going to be a few more years - I don't know how much more I can take. I'm so drunk by the time I come home that I can't even ride the bus. Most of the time I get pushed home in a wheelbarrow. When I come home, I want to collapse into bed as a wet rag and just lay there and shut out the world, but I can't even make it to bed. The end is in sight, but it's blurry. The alcohol tends to do that.
So, it turns out drugs are bad for me, too. Just what I needed.
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I'm not even 20 and I've already been quarantined for having a strange transmissible disease.
The medical guy told me that it was too late to submit the little form that says "Please cure me instead of performing strange medical experiments on me!" cause the grace period is over. So I have to be isolated until they kill me or finally get bored with studying my disease. Furthermore, since I got home to my letter saying "you could escape this horrible fate by simply giving us DNS samples" at the end of April and the first sample was due March 31, it's now too late to say to them "Please! Come take my DNA! Just don't lock me in a cage and poke me with needles!" I've been automatically quarantined. I hate being freakin' quarantined.
I'm totally screwed for April. In May, though, I should be able to get them to simply accept my DNA samples for the future months. And maybe I can get my parents let back into their house and the biohazard signs removed. I'll owe them at least that much by that point. And of course I need to pay back the cops for their excellent services in arresting me to place me under quarantine. And APPLY FOR HORRIBLE THINGS HAPPENING TO ME INSURANCE, cause apparently I'm going to need it desperately.
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Well, once again I have been outwitted by a machcine. This toaster seems to adamantly dislike my trying to toast stuff with it. I plugged it in to no avail. The toaster seems to gradually stop toasting after a while...and I'm not sure why. It also seems to spit my toastables back at me when it refuses to toast anymore. I poiunded at the toaster for about an hour and a quarter this morning and it's finally working again. Kind of; the toaster is far, far slower than holding the bread in an open flame directly, and it shouldn't be noticeable. I can't tell what the stupid box is trying to do and not succeeding at. If anything. Blaaaah. Hopefully it's just the WonderBread that is the problem, so at least when I buy Batard Bread it will work ok. Do toaster companies still disapprove of people toasting one slice of bread but putting it in the slot that's not labelled "one slice here"?
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| Date: | 2004-04-25 00:38 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  kickass | | Music: | Kung Fu Fighting |
I spent all day using swords around Peterborough practicing for my second ninja test on Tuesday. The more I use swords, the more I come to realize how much I love it. I want to be a ninja, and I want to totally flip out and kill people all the time, but unfortunately this might not be acceptable someday. As soon as they release those robot ninjas to the general populace (if they ever do - fingers crossed) I'm going to freaking show them that I'm so much better than any robot ninja. This is why man invented computers. So we could kick their stupid little asses and thus show how wicked-bad we are.
I also filmed an indie movie called The House with my family. It wasn't the the worst movie I've ever made (think Teenforcer Goes To Mars), but I wouldn't have said it was particularly good either. All it has is my parents walking around our house. Get the title? Dunno.
Besides that, I got some hardcore bonzai pruning done. And yet it still feels like a waste of a day. Ah, being at home. Well, the reconstruction of it at least. A place where I can waste time efficiently. It's hard to believe I'm back, especially since I burninated it the last time I was home. I definitely want to make a trip out to get a pickaxe sometime, though...maybe on Tuesday if I manage not to screw up my ninja test again this time, I'll pick one up so I can determine whether a sword or a pickaxe is the more powerful weapon. But like always, there's gonna be problems finding someone to practice against while trying out the pickaxe, and of course we'll have to manage the little interpersonal rivalries and hatreds going on, and make sure to invite just the right people to my little testing event. I'm so glad to be out of ninja school. At least now, rivalries are fairly open and don't last long...at least for one of the rivals. Besides, rivalries tend to result in less rivals around overall. I can handle reduced competition.
It also seems the OSAP people have gotten it in their heads to give me another $10 000 each month, starting a month ago. Goddammit, why does everyone keep giving me money and insisting I spend it right this minute, right when I don't have anything more that I could possibly buy? How much money can one person possible spend? And why do I have the feeling that it's never going to stop?
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| Date: | 2004-04-23 16:54 |
| Subject: | Ratings |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  excited | | Music: | Barenaked Me - Another Buttocks |
Three of my ratings are in, all of them exciting, with the best so far being, "Teenforcer is the hottest person I've ever seen," and another being "Teenforcer should go shoot himself in the foot," which was interesting until I remembered that I shot the guy who gave me that rating in the foot due to a severe lack of undestanding. Well, I don't feel so bad about that. Stewart gave me a, "pretty pretty, but could be prettier", which is alright considering the third-to-last meeting I had with him which I forgot until 10 minutes beforehand, which meant that I spent that time frantically applying makeup since I hadn't done so yet. And my best ratings still aren't in yet.
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| Date: | 2004-04-22 21:38 |
| Subject: | Orbiting |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  sad | | Music: | Ring Around The Planet |
Here I am, on the mothership again. It's nice to be able to resume my true form and have three tentacles again. But I'm already feeling the pull of the artificially induced gravity, and nanobots living in my cells who might be up for any of a million possible strange and debilitating activities. I think I'm addicted to Earth.
Blaah. I'm sad thinking about Earth. I miss it already. How could I ever bear to leave? The big giant head is pushing me to...but I'm pushing back. It's easy to do since I have arms (or tentacles), and all he has is a big head. If only they'd bring the price back down to earth. Then I'd go back to earth too.
In other news, Maggie's secret agent name has been officially changed to Maggie, after much consideration of how to keep her true identity hidden and after she saw right through my scheme to get her to make some pie filling so I could eat it with her. It's a long story. But anyway, Maggie it is. Pumpkin and Piecrust, I'm looking at you.
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Well, looks like time to clean out the old fanmail pile again. According to my calculations, I have 870 fan letters in my pile, taking up a whole whackload of space and dating all the way back to...February 5. I'm not sure, but that seems like a lot of fanmail to be recieving per day. Might be affected by how incredibly awesome I am, thanks to all the awesome things I do, which poeple really seem to like. Including Peara, who I know thinks I'm awesome and sent me fan mail even thogh she never admitted it.
I was shocked at lunch today to discover that Quikdraw and I actually agree on something.
Quikdraw: I don't ever plan to have my left arm removed.
I was a little surprised. I briefly considered changing my stance on having my left arm removed to be more consistent with the way I always disagree with Quikdraw, but eventually decided that it wasn't worth the sacrifice of losing an arm. I've never seen the point in removing an arm. A wise and offensive man once said "...removing your left arm is really just some ancient tradition that people use because they feel like removing a limb." In modern times, I wholeheartedly believe that the tradition of slicing off a body part has lost its significance. The government doesn't need to know whether I have one arm or two, and Jeebus could come and run off with my other arm whenever I want regardless about how I feel about it anyway. So why chop off an arm? I'd prefer to preserve the freedom to use two arms in good conscience should things go sour (which they sometimes do, and which is what causes such a high limb reattachment rate), while enjoying only having one arm by simply keeping one behind my back at all times. I see no real reason why I wouldn't want to do this for the rest of my life, and if I enjoy it enough then I'll never have to stop doing it.
I also think people have a tendency to remove their body parts for the wrong reasons, subconsciously or not. In my opinion, this is a situation that tends to arise because people get really bored and have a hacksaw lying around. A popular part is the right foot. I see a serious problem with people rushing into chopping off their right foot without being ready for it, just so they can experience being forced to hop around for the first time. And it's good for a while, and then eventually you realize that you shouldn't have chopped off your foot in the first place. You just wanted to feel what it was like. In fact, it's really a lot like giving into temptation despite the fact it might be a really stupid idea: chopping off a limb too quickly, exclusively so you can club someone over the head with it.
I know that's not why people remove their limbs. Or at least, I know that's not why anyone tells themselves they're removing an arm or a leg. I look at the limb-loss rate and have to wonder. I don't want to end up as some self-induced severred limb statistic.
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| Date: | 2004-04-20 19:19 |
| Subject: | Partying? Yay. |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  bouncy | | Music: | Time Traveler - Ahead by a Century |
Well, here I am, still partying.
And I have so much new to say. I just... uh... can't be bothered to say it.
Custard left today. I feel like all I have left is the goopy bits at the bottom of the bowl. They're sticky, and just not as good as the real thing.
Feeling the drain on my liquor cabinet as so many people drink all at once.
I was corrected several days later, my evil overlordship isn't quite as solid as I was lead to believe. Not by Paul. My merciless rule over you minions still remains to be confirmed.
And since MaryBeth got given her ceremonial sword and I didn't...
I'm a little worried. But not too much. I can always seize control by force if need be.
That is all.
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Well, I got screwed over by an in-game scripting error in pong such that I now cannot play the game at all. Curses. Right when I was starting to figure out how to move the paddle. I guess this is better than the in-game scripting error I encountered in it last week when the pong ball became George Clinton's head. So I gave up trying to fix it and instead started rubbing the wall violently with a kleenex. If it turns clear, it's your window to weight loss. I decided to look for a new game under my computer, but I accidentally dropped it and it crushed me under the sheer weight of its graphics alone. It means that my son Adrian 9000 is starting to feel his age. I'm wondering if I can afford the $500 investment to trade him in for a nice new 9600 this work term. It'd almost definitely be money better invested elsewhere, but on the other hand, Adrian 9000 can be annoying at times...and it would be nice to get rid of him...yeah...maybe I can convince myself of that while my parents pay for my acres of Hawaiian Lima Beans. But really, I think of them more as an investment.
Oh, and I'm dying, too. I thank my lucky stars I didn't lose more blood when the the old lady with a walker ran me over.
Monday Apr. 19 - Thursday 22 - "Masturbation is merely the act of making love to the one you love best."
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Bank Error In Your Favour. Collect $95, 093.35
By me. (Ok, not really).
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I have something interesting to say, so if you read this journal for my usual blather, you're going to be severely disappointed.
I made less progress in understanding people today than I wanted to, but sometimes that's the way life is. I finished reading "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", a book that I started reading over six years ago. The ending didn't help my theory that all people are fundamentally the same, which was unfortunate. I would like to think that there are no significant differences between men and women, but the book is rather convincing. I guess we do come from different planets afterall. It did get me thinking about differences between people in general though. In fact, now that I think about it, although everyone has potential, the real difference is whether it's fulfilled or not . What an important-sounding and yet empty phrase.
Maggy is entertaing. Maggy, dudette, I'm definitely going to miss you. I know you thought (think?) I spoke (speak?) a different language than you, but that's so not true. We may be unable to communicate on virtually everything, which is not saying the same thing. In fact, I think it might be saying the opposite.
BMW also left today. I'm not quite sure how, as cars generally have to be driven, but here I am sitting with the keys and scratching my head.
Lawn came and hung me from my underpants for a while. I thought wedgies were supposed to end in grade school. I hope it was fun for him at least.
I just went and spun a few tunes in Bottony's room, and we danced for a while. It was just like old times.
I don't want to leave.
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| Date: | 2004-04-17 11:54 |
| Subject: | BTW? |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  impressed |
Brave, I don't know whether to be flattered or to cry out with happiness. Or if I should run down to your room and give you a kiss. And maybe go out to a bar. I'll have to stop grinning and finish putting on my lipstick first, whatever it is.
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Loel came up to me in the hall today. Yes, Loel. He basically said
Loel: Teenforcer, do you love me?
Me: No. In my mind: Curses, who told him?
Loel: Please don't love me! I'm sorry, but I just don't like you that way. I didn't mean to make you say such things. I still like you.
Me: I don't love you, Loel.
Loel: I'm so, so sorry about what you said!
Me: Let this be a lesson to me about telling people I like them without considering the consequences.
Loel: Nooooo! Please forgive me!
Me: *sobs*
The medical exam was far easier than I expected. I'm glad I didn't bother to study for it as it would have done me no extra good. I passed, with flying colours even, cause most of the stuff on there was the stuff I didn't study but knew anyways. But the questions I answered (which was all of them), man, could I answer them. No part marks on these questions. Full marks instead. I'm glad I don't bother to take notes. Too bad I never have to take a class like it again.
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My medical exam is today, for which I definitely feel underprepared, but I don't really know what I'd do to get more prepared, other than wrangling a bunch of young, verile teenagers for my own pleasure. I don't have any burning down there, which I think is a good thing. I know pretty much all of the reasons for burning south-of-the-border pretty well. The only problem is going to be when I actually get in there and find out what my reactions should have been, and fail the exam. But I suppose that's the way life will be.
Militia's last exam was today, which means she's a lot more funky than she was before, but it also means that she's going to stay a while longer. Boo.
Justin's lacklustre expression as he passed my window inspired me to revoke my claim that my hiatus from leopardprint thongs would last till the end of term, and actually put one on. I feel like a princess. You can call me Princess Teenforcer. In fact, if you see me over the next few days, call me that!
Friday April 16 - Tuesday 20 - "We have enough youth. What we need is a fountain of teen-aged coersion. You know, so I could force teens to please me sexually."
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I'm really really perky today. I can't wait to deal with more things and see more people. I'm so happy I got out of bed this morning. Everything today is either wonderful or making me happy. I left the knitting review session with the other guys when we determined a high likelihood that the tutor was done tutoring. So today I have done a lot of studying which is great with my exam looming large tomorrow night. Wonderful.
I want to chew up my gum and tell my professor I love him. I am so into this stuff. I'm glad I'm in my program. Maybe if I ball up the exam tomorrow and eat it I won't have to eat food and I'll stay as thin as I am. At least I can feel good about that.
Meredith's also leaving tonight. I haven't seen her nearly enough recently. Oh well. Makes me realize that I'm going on work term soon, where I'll be able to have even more exciting and perky times. I won't mind leaving this place since I'm happy everywhere. That overriding basic instinct to dance is coming back again. I wish it never went away, but I know it does. Thankfully, there will always be more chances for dancing next year, and hopefully we can convince the frosh that dancing is the only way to live. Quit being afraid to dance and come on out for a good time. Look at it my way; dancing is fun! I hope above all that we get fewer guys that that silly look in their eyes. The one that says to me they are really cool people, but are too afraid to show it. I've seen way too many guys with that look in their eyes this term. You look at them and know that they have so much potential and just need a bit of a push to become super fun. I want to have to deal with as many of these as possible, cause they're the kind of guys that I can maybe help out.
I feel wonderful, and don't want to go to bed tonight. And I know exactly why. Praise everything to the bottom of the ocean. There are really cool starfish there.
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teenforcer's journal
genuis
aggravated
frustrated
quixotic
ditzy
chipper
thoughtful
uncomfortable
giddy